Here you will find a little humor provided by Rusty - WE5TXS Use The Scroll Bar On The Right To Read All (The webmaster assumes no responsibility for content)
With snow on their backs and steam from their breath.
Its nights like these that can freeze them to death.
They huddle together as they chew on a Cud.
You pray that they'll not get bogged down in this mud.
The Cedar breaks sway in the breezes that blow.
The land all around them is a foot deep in snow.
The sky is so clear, every star shows its face.
You just stand there and pray as you look into space.
You ask for a blessing, for this herd on this night.
Just keep them alive until morning sheds light.
You can't hardly leave them, for this thought in your head.
For you just feel plumb guilty, bunked up in a warm bed.
TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS..
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, You've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.
And one more:
“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.
Somewhere in Texas..
Somewhere in Texas
A cowboy rides the range
A month of Sundays pass
No one calls his name
His home is in the saddle
All day he’s mendin’ fence
Any other way of life
Wouldn’t make a lick-a-sense
Though the city calls like fool’s gold
He doesn’t seek its pleasures
All he wants is the land he loves
Its wealth can’t be measured
In the evenin’ underneath the stars
Plays his guitar, hums a song or two
All the fool’s gold couldn’t buy
The peace of mind, he’s settled into
Somewhere in Texas
A cowboy rides the ran ge
Let the world go on without him
He’ll be happy just the same
TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU. .
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this because I didn't want to be alone in the older category
Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing "It's a Beautiful Morning", even when it's not."
Do not regret growing older.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN POTENTIAL AND REALITY EXPLAINED.. .
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help.
"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate.
Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars .
Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother.
"Mum, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies.
He then goes to his sister's room.
"Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father.
"Dad, I think I've figured it out.
Potentially, we are sitting on two million dollars, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
Blind Marine. .
An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Babtist and the Cowboy. .
A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas .
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a similar drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had that choice."
The Horse. .
A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died"
Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back"
The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already"
Dave said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse"
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Dave said, "I’m going to raffle him off"
The farmer said, "You can’t raffle off a dead horse!"
Dave said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead"
A month Later, the farmer met up with Dave and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Dave said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495"
The farmer said, "Didn’t anyone complain?"
Dave said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back"
Frank Feldman. .
A man walked out into the street in NYC and caught a taxi just going by. He got in.
Cabbie: "Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.
Cabbie: “Frank, Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab,
things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.
"Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody
"Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano and the clarinet.
He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special.
"Cabbie: "There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing! He was always immaculate, shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect gentleman! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: “Oh, I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife.
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Welfare office (not politically correct). .
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
‘WOW.” the social worker exclaims, “ Are they all yours?”
“Yep, they is all mine,” the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Leroy.” A ll the children rush to find seats.
“Well.”’ says the social worker, “Then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“Well, to keep it simple, the boys is all named Leroy and the girls is all named Leighroy.”
In disbelief, the case worker says, “ Are you serious? They’re A LL named Leroy?”
Their momma replied, “Well yes, it makes it easier. When it’s time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yells, ‘Leroy!’ A n’ when it’s time for dinner, I jist yells ‘Leroy!’ A n they all comes a runnin’. A n’ if I needs to stop the kid who’s playin’ in the street, I just yells Leroy’ and all of dem stops. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, namin’ dem all Leroy.”
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?”
“Then I calls them by they last names.”
I had a mare named Sidewinder; imagine why we named her that.
I swear...that mare could jump 8 feet sideways over a stinkin' little rat.
She also had a tendency to apply her brakes in the darndedest places!
Then we'd be starein' eye to eye, with "What the hell?" look on our faces!
One time relaxed with her rhythm, ridin' out across the desert sands,
she spots a rattler 'n sideways we go; I'm ridin' air, grabbin' mane with both hands.
When she finally hits ground she's runnin' full out; headin' for Lobo hill!
Surprised I'm still on board; whoa didn't work and I felt the urge to kill.
The crew was tryin' to catch us, but it's hard to ride laughin' out loud.
It was a sight; me scared spit-less and them laughin' in a dust cloud.
'Winder finally wound down...with all four feet back on the ground;
I'm red faced angry with hysterical cowboys all standin' around!
In the end...I got my laugh too, 'cause I rode her all the way,
'Winder stood there winded, but sideways 'n straight...I had my day!
Stuff To Know. .
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/ 100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the ch ild reaches 2 to 6 years of age! .
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
Now you know everything
The Church Organist. .
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the men in the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning, the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,
“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.
Don't Mess With This Lady. .
An old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”
The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $1,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The teller irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”
She returned the card to the old lady.
The old lady remained silent … but then she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old
lady, “My apologies Ma'am, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?”
The teller told her, “Any amount up to $100,000.”
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $100,000 from her account.
The teller did so quickly and handed the stack of cash to the old lady respectfully.
The old lady put $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $99,500 back into her account.
You Are Drunk. .
I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license... and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
lil' Arbuckle. .
My nephew, lil' Arbuckle, was in his 4th grade class over in Fort Worth one day, when none other than Oklahoma football coach Lincoln Riley wandered in. No doubt he was on a recruiting trip and was lost. He had agreed to address the class about the importance of education.
The lesson was words and their meanings. The teacher asked Coach Riley if he would like to lead the discussion of the Word of the Day, "Tragedy".
Well, Riley asked if anyone could give an example of a tragedy. One little boy stood up and said "If my friend, who lives on a farm, and is playing in a field, and gets run over by a tractor, that would be a tragedy."
Riley shook his head. "No, Son. That would be an accident. Anybody else?"
A little girl stood up. "If a bus full of passengers went over a cliff, and everyone was killed, then that would be a tragedy."
Coach Riley again shook his head. "No, that would be a great loss."
That's when lil' Arbuckle stood up to make his contribution.
"If you and the OU football team were in a plane that got hit by friendly fire, and blown from here to Sunday, THAT would be a tragedy!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Riley, "And can you explain why that would be a tragedy?"
Lil' Arbuckly smiled proudly, and said, "Because it wouldn't be any great loss, and it probably woudn't be a freakin' accident, either!"
The Lone Ranger And Tonto. .
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a Beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,"Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin!"
Are You Polish. .
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whisky, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
What Branch Of Service. .
Several years ago we had some guys in the bar who had just returned from military duty overseas. It was a great visit, and one of them, an Air Force sergeant, gave us some "inside information".
He said you could always tell what branch of the service someone was in by the way their stories began. For example, if a story began with "We were in rough seas," you knew that person was in the Navy. "We were up to our butts in mud," would indicate a Marine, and "We were going to a nearby town in a jeep, swerving to avoid mines," was an indication that the person was in the Army.
"Now and then," he continued, "You'll hear a story that doesn't start quite like you'd expect. For instance, if it begins with 'I was lining up a putt on the 8th green,' then that guy was in the Air Force."
Ever wonder what the feathers in an Indian's headdress stood for ?. .
A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.
"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Pointing to a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him ? One woman, one feather. Him?", pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."
The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers !"
The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."
Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung !"
The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."
The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile !"
The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style !"
The reporter cried, "Oh, dear !"
"No deer," said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast."
Now you know.................................................
The Man Who Gave Up Sex for Golf. .
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes."Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt", the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sounds good to me," and promptly sinks the putt!
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one."
The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly, he makes the eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and sure enough he makes the eagle and wins the match.
As the golfer is walking to the clubhouse, the stranger walks along beside him and says,"I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley".
Gotta love Texas Women!. .
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.
The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from West Virginia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes was done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!
Bullshot, Texas. .
The sheriff in my home town, Bolivar McBride, is also known as One Tough Bowl of Shaky Puddin'. At 6-5 and 280 pounds, he's so big that, at our senior prom, he rocked back on the heels of his boots until they dug into the ground and struck oil. Heck, just to run around him takes two buses and a train ride.
Ol' Bolivar has his good side. I've never seen him get mad at anybody. This is true, even today, as my hometown of Bullshot, Texas, seems to be attracting a lot of folks moving down from California. That means he pulls over a lot of folks with "Visualize World Peace" bumper stickers.
Pulling over people is what he does, though. You can't have a small town in Texas without a speed trap or two. It pays for the Fourth of July Barbeque, Parade, and Tobacco Spitting Contest, as well as the annual Christmas Pageant Featuring the Pumpkin Pie Frisbee Contest.
For years, Bolivar has had a good run with speed traps, but a few years ago he added the Traffic Light at the intersection of Main and Boudreaux. It worked like a charm until earlier this year when the light quit working.
Well, it turned out that one of the newcomers was a reserve deputy in California, and gave Ol' Bolivar the phone number of the best traffic light manufacturer in the state. After verifying that none of the lights are ever made while under the influence of any illegal agricultural pursuits, Bolivar ordered the replacement light.
A few weeks later, I happened to be in town and Bolivar was complaining about the light. He said the darn thing was always stuck on green, and had caused a couple of wrecks, not to mention he couldn't issue any redlight tickets. He called the manufacturer who referred Bolivar to the owner's manual.
Sure enough, there it was. On page 336, at the bottom of the page, was the disclaimer, "The light is designed to change from Green, to Yellow, to Red, then back to Green. But, first, the light must WANT to change......"
A man died and went to Heaven. As he Stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks”? St Peter answered, “Those are lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, The hands on your clock move. “Oh”, said the man.
“Whose clock is that”? “That’s Mother Teresa’s clock” replied St Peter. “The hands have never moved”. “Incredible”, said the man.
“And whose clock is that one”? “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved only twice”
“Where is Adam Schiff's clock”? asked the man.
St Peter replied, “We are using it as a ceiling fan”.
Pasture Paradise. .
Sitting out in the back pasture on a sixty acre farm.
Just me and Jesus, we ain’t doing no harm.
I’ve been pulled at all day, my mind is completely blown.
I wasn’t expecting days like this before I was grown.
Way out on the north side where I cannot see the lights.
Every now and then I have to do this some nights.
The whippoorwills and coyotes and the occasional moo of a cow.
It makes more sense to me than people talking, somehow.
I have to clear my head and don’t want to watch TV.
All the news is bad and it don’t apply to me.
This is where I go, it’s my getaway.
Think about tomorrow and forget about today.
You may think I’m crazy sitting out here all alone.
But it does me a world of good after the day is done.
The coyotes don’t ask questions. The birds, well they don’t need me.
It’s the only time, I guess, that my mind is free.
I may stay until the sun comes up, I’m not watching the time.
I’ll leave when I’m ready, it ain’t no crime.
Just me and Jesus trying to make sense of it all.
Trying to walk that tightrope, if I look down I might fall.
Sitting out in the back pasture on a sixty acre farm.
Just me and Jesus, we ain’t doing no harm.
I’ve been pulled at all day, my mind is completely blown.
I wasn’t expecting days like this before I was grown.
I'm running out of entertaining things to do during the quarantine, so I pulled into the parking lot of the Grinnin' Dog last night to remen.....remine....remember the good times.
O'Conman, the owner, did come out and visit for a bit. He said the curbside service and delivery is doing better than he thought. He said, "In fact, I haven't done this well since St. Pat's day back in '88 when beer and wine were free, but I charged $20 to use the restrooms."
However, things have gotten bad. For me, anyway. The best memory I could come up with was the night O'Conman looked down the bar, and spotted a cowboy staring at an empty mug.
"It appears you mug is empty! Would ye like another?"
The cowboy looked puzzled for a moment, then replied, "Now, why in the hell would I want TWO empty mugs?"
Short Stories. .
Here are a few little short stories to give you a smile today.
1. While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's hand, he said, “I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”
2.As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breastfeed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.”
3. Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. “In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.”
4. Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her injection. “No, no, no!” she screamed. “Lizzie,” scolded by her mother, "that's not polite behavior.” With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you! No, thank you!"
5. On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, “Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?” After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, “You don't have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”
6. Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. “I’m going to be away for a long time,” I told him. “I’m going to Iraq.” “Why?” he asked. “Don't you know there’s a war going on over there?”
7. Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, “That’s the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?”
“Well, you’ve probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.”
An eight-year-old girl perked up. “How long was he missing?”
And my personal favorite…
8. God’s Problem Now! His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she’s there."
Keep a SMILE on your face ~ And a SONG in your heart!
A smile - is a sign of joy.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness.
And a friend like me? Well that's just a sign of good taste!
Reverend Al .
My great-uncle, Allelujah, is a retired minister. Folks back home
referred to him as "Reverend Al". He was one of those old-time, pound on
the podium, make ya think the trap door is about to open, and you're
standing on it.
Now, at 106, he's convinced that God's upset, explaining, "What-a-Burger
got sold to those Yankees, and now we're being attacked by Covidians!"
That was a theme in many of his sermons. Don't make The Boss mad.
So, about a year ago, in a rare moment of living right, I went to hear
He'd had a dream. In it, it's the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah,
Who was now living in America and said: “Once again, the earth has
become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
- but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit. I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system. My homeowners association claims
that I've violated the Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my
back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the
local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a truckload
of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead
obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told
them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."
"Now the labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to
hire only union workers with ark-building experience."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to
destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord, "The bureaucrats beat me to it."
Dead Cows. .
The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.
A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).
The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.
TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!
The Rules . .
1. Basically, you can't leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, then you can.
2. Masks are useless, but maybe you have to wear one, it can save you, it is useless, but maybe it is mandatory as well.
3. Stores are closed, except those that are open.
4. You should not go to hospitals unless you have to go there. Same applies to doctors, you should only go there in case of emergency, provided you are not too sick.
5. This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.
6. Gloves won't help, but they can still help.
7. Everyone needs to stay HOME, but it's important to GO OUT.
8. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning. Sometimes.
9. The virus has no effect on children except those it affects.
10. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…
11. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms. Oh, my God.
12. In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand and it's better not to go out, well, but no…
13. It's better to get some fresh air, but you get looked at very wrong when you get some fresh air, and most importantly, you don't go to parks or walk. But don’t sit down, except that you can do that now if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant (but not too old).
14. You can't go to retirement homes, but you have to take care of the elderly and bring food and medication.
15. If you are sick, you can't go out, but you can go to the pharmacy.
16. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn't wear masks or gloves. But you have to have your groceries decontaminated outside for 3 hours. Pizza too?
17. Every disturbing article or disturbing interview starts with " I don't want to trigger panic, but…"
18. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but you can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.
19. You can walk around with a friend but not with your family if they don't live under the same roof.
20. You are safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.
21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours, no, four, no, six, no, we didn't say hours, maybe days? But it takes a damp environment. Oh no, not necessarily.
22. The virus stays in the air - well no, or yes, maybe, especially in a closed room, in one hour a sick person can infect ten, so if it falls, all our children were already infected at school before it was closed. But remember, if you stay at the recommended social distance, however in certain circumstances you should maintain a greater distance, which, studies show, the virus can travel further, maybe.
23. We count the number of deaths but we don't know how many people are infected as we have only tested so far those who were "almost dead" to find out if that's what they will die of…
24. We have no treatment, except that there may be one that apparently is not dangerous unless you take too much (which is the case with all medications). Orange man bad.
25. We should stay locked up until the virus disappears, but it will only disappear if we achieve collective immunity, so when it circulates… but we must no longer be locked up for that?
Understanding Engineer Terms . .
Percussive Maintenance-----I hit it with a hammer and it worked
Cycle Power To The Panel-----Turn it off then turn it back on
High Impedance Air-Gap----I forgot to plug it in
Organic Grounding----I got shocked
Thermally Reconfigured----It melted
Kinetic Disassembly----It blew up
Thermal Shock----It burned up
Not All Seniors Are Senile..
A 80-something year old, white haired gentleman walked into Greenwood Jewelers’ store last Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side. He told Jim the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. Jim looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.
At that statement, Jim went to his special back room stock and brought another ring out. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000' says Jim. "It's the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah."
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old customer said, 'We'll take it.'
Jim asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, Jim angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir ..There's no money in that account!'
'''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'"
Sid and Abe..
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.
Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?"
Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks."
"He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says,
"No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."
Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies,
"I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico ... our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter. "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."
Gallagher is in Boston and he is waiting patiently, also, he is watching
the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stops the flow of traffic and shouts, 'Okay pedestrians'. Then
he allows the traffic to pass. He did this several times, and Gallagher
is still standing on the sidewalk.
After the cop has shouted 'Pedestrians' for the tenth time, Gallagher
approaches him and says, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
80 YEAR OLD RANCHER..
An 80-year-old Texas rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'
'Who said my father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old Texan. 'In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had some beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Texas rancher and he's a hunter and fisherman too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's' still alive?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the man.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'
'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he WANTED to?'
I WAS THINKING..
10 questions for you to ponder..
If Donald Trump deleted all of his emails, wiped his server with Bleachbit and destroyed all of his phones with a hammer, would the Mainstream Media suddenly lose all interest in the story and declare him innocent?
I was thinking;
If women do the same job for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money?
I was thinking;
Each ISIS attack now is a reaction to Trump policies, but all ISIS attacks during Obama’s term were due to Climate Change and a plea for jobs.
I was thinking;
We should stop calling them all ‘Entitlements’. Welfare, Food Stamps, WIC, ad nausea are not entitlements. They are taxpayer-funded handouts, and shouldn't be called entitlements at all. Social Security and Veterans Benefits are Entitlements because the people receiving them are entitled to them. They were earned and paid for by the recipients.
I was thinking;
If Liberals don’t believe in biological gender then why did they march for women’s rights?
I was thinking;
How did the Russians get Debbie Wasserman Schultz and the DNC to steal the Primary from Bernie Sanders?
I was thinking;
Why is it that Democrats think Super delegates are fine, but they have a problem with the Electoral College?
I was thinking;
If you don’t want the FBI involved in elections, don’t nominate someone who’s being investigated by the FBI.
I was thinking;
If Hillary’s speeches cost $250,000 an hour, how come no one shows up to her free ones?
I was thinking; (this was the best)
If Democrats don’t want foreigners involved in our elections, why do they think it’s all right for illegals to vote?
Now my head hurts, I’m going to quit thinking for a while.
A very nice, innocent virgin Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is also a virgin and has never had sex with another woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has had no experience with women.
They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.
All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get.
Boodro's barber Shop..
Old Thibodeaux walks into Boodro's Barbershop for a shave and a haircut and he tells Boodro he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber,Boodro, gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells old Thib to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, Old Thibodeaux tells Boodro that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But Thib had asked one question, "Mr. Boodro, what would have happened if Ah had swallowed dat lil' ball?"
Barber Boodro replied,"Mais, juss bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
Some Senior Thoughts..
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. I'M UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHETHER I'VE SHARED THIS BEFORE..........
John was visiting a friend in the hospital. He had recently quit smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator.
A woman on the elevator said to him with a snarl, "Sir! There's no smoking in here!"
'I'm not smoking lady," replied John.
"But you have a cigar in your mouth!" the woman said.
"Lady," John answered, "I've got Jockey shorts on too, but I'm not riding a horse!"
Single Ham Operator..
A single (not married) ham radio gentleman is sitting in a bar a lady approached and offered to buy him a drink.
After a couple of drinks he is invited back to her place. He smiles and asks "Does your HOA have antenna restrictions and what are your thoughts on analog vs digital radio operating?"
10 minutes later Barney the bartender gives our Ham Hero a drink on the house and says "nearly had that one. I can't believe she tapped 'CW' on your forehead before walking away."
A cowboys diet..
I’ve been living on beef jerky
And I know that I should halt
My arteries are hardening
From the effects of all that salt.
My lips are cracked and bleeding
My tongue is feeling numb
My teeth are slowly crumbling
And there’s no feeling in my gums
I can feel cholesterol gathering
In the veins from my head down to my feet
The results of my ingesting
All that smokey salted meat
God knows the harm I’ve done myself
But I’ll still eat all I can
I may be sick and weary
But by god I’ll die a man!
Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems... They're swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce and picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep; they are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos.
They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom.
There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their horses with them."
The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."
So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, “Hello---hold on a minute."
When he returns to the phone the Devil says, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you? "
Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kinds of problems you are having down there with the Texans."The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said. "I'm back. Now what was the question?"
Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this...hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Red Adair has put out the fire and Brown and Root is installing air conditioning."
The 12 Days Of A Cajun Christmas...
Day 1: Dear Boudreaux, Tanks for da bird in da pear tree. I fix it las’ night wit dirty rice. I doan tink da pear tree will grow in da swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.
Day 2: Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo out of dem.
Day 3: Dear Boudreaux, Why doan you sent some crawfish? I’m tired of eating dem darn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an fed the tird one to my dog Phideaux. Marie needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster.
Day 4: Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux! I tol you no more friggin birds. Deez four, what you call dem “calling birds” were so noisy you could hear dem all da way to Napoleonville. I used deir necks for my crab traps, an fed da rest of dem to da gators.
Day 5: Dear Boudreaux, You finally sen’ somethin useful. I like dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for da boys at da Raisin’ Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup mon cher!
Day 6: Dear Boudreaux, Coullion! Back to da darn birds, you Cajun turkey! Poor egg suckin’ Phideaux is scared to death at dem six geeses. He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck da heck out ah his snout. Dey good at eating cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem wit erster dressing on Christmas day.
Day 7: Dear Boudreaux, I’m gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Thibeau, da mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem birds is stinkin’ up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim on da bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem out of da water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Day 8: Dear Boudreaux, poor ole Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tol dem to get to work guttin fish and sweepinq the shack, but dey say it wasn’t in deir contract. Dey prolly tink dey too good ta skin da nutrias I caught las night.
Day 9: Dear Boudreaux, What you trying to do, huh? Thibeau had to borrow the Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call “Lords-a-Leaping “across the bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, “Well La Di Da. You get Chicory coffee or nuttin’ . . . Mon Dieu, Emile. What I’m gonna feed all
dese bozos? Dey too Snooty for fried nutria, and da cows done eat my turnip greens.
Day 10: Dear Boudreaux, You got to be outs you mind! If da mailman don’t kill you, I will fo sure. Today he deliver 10 half nekid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said dey be “Ladies Dancin” but dey doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by da out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an had to get toilet paper; the Sears catalog wasn’t good enuf fer dose hoity toity Lords’ royal behins.
Day 11: Dear Boudreaux, where y’at? Cheerio an pip pip. Your 11 pipers piping arrives today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off da boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jambalaya and we having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman he having a good time, yeah, dancing with da floozies. Thibeau he jump off da Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in da mail, doan open it.
Day 12: Dear Boudreaux, I sorry to tell ya, but I not your true love anymore, no. After da fais-do-do, I spent da night wit Jacque, da head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman’s club on da bayou. The floozies, pardon me, Ladies dancing, can make $20 for a table dance, and da Lords can be waiters an valet park da boats. Since da maids doan have no more cows ta milk, I trained dem ta set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimping business. We will probably gross a million nex year cher.
Lemon Pickers Needed...
"Lemon Pickers Needed"...read the ad in the newspaper.
ONLY U.S. CITIZENS OR LEGAL IMMIGRANTS NEED APPLY
Ms. Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs, Florida, read it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job. She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan, and a master’s degree from Michigan State University. For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.
The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume. “However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said. "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chrysler's, voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary.”
She started work yesterday.
Here are a few fun Thanksgiving facts for you (this list may make you the smartest person at the Thanksgiving dinner table):
• The first Thanksgiving was celebrated in 1621 over a three day harvest festival. It included 50 Pilgrims, 90 Wampanoag Indians, and lasted three days. It is believed by historians that only five women were present.
• Turkey wasn’t on the menu at the first Thanksgiving. Venison, duck, goose, oysters, lobster, eel, and fish were likely served, alongside pumpkins and cranberries (but not pumpkin pie or cranberry sauce!).
• Abraham Lincoln proclaimed Thanksgiving a national holiday on October 3, 1863. Sarah Joseph Hale, the woman who wrote “Mary Had A Little Lamb,” convinced Lincoln to make Thanksgiving a national holiday after writing letters for 17 years.
• The history of U.S. presidents pardoning turkeys is patchy. Harry Truman is often credited with being the first president to pardon a turkey, but that’s not quite true. He was the first to receive a ceremonial turkey from the National Turkey Federation – and he had it for dinner. John F. Kennedy was the first to let a Thanksgiving turkey go, followed by Richard Nixon who sent his turkey to a petting zoo. George H.W. Bush is the president who formalized the turkey pardoning tradition in 1989.
• There are four towns in the United States named “Turkey.” They can be found in Arizona, Texas, Louisiana, and North Carolina.
• The average number of calories consumed on Thanksgiving is 4,500.
• Butterball answers more than 100,000 turkey-cooking questions via their Butterball Turkey Hotline each November and December.
• The tradition of football on Thanksgiving began in 1876 with a game between Yale and Princeton. The first NFL games were played on Thanksgiving in 1920.
• More than 54 million Americans are expected to travel during the Thanksgiving holiday this year. That’s up 4.8% from last year.
Facts and Trivia About Snow...
Every snowflake has its own unique shape and is different than all other snowflakes.
All snowflakes have six sides.
The largest snowflakes ever recorded fell in the state of Montana in the United States of America. The snowflakes were 15 inches in diameter.
The snow capital of the United States is Stampede Pass in Washington State. Each year, the average snowfall is 430 inches.
The average snowflake falls at a speed of 3.1 miles per hour.
It is a blizzard when you can't see for ¼ mile; the winds are always 35 miles an hour or more, and the storm must last at least 3 hours to be classed as a blizzard. If any of these conditions are less, it is only a snowstorm
Billions of snowflakes fall during one short snowstorm.
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".
God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers...
A poultry farmer was experimenting to breed turkeys with more legs for greater profits. Finally, he succeeded.
While narrating the results to his friends, he told them, "The turkey I bred had six legs!"
His friends, who had gotten quite excited, eagerly asked, "What about the taste?"
The farmer said with a long-drawn face, "I have no idea. Can't catch the dang thing."
ELECTION YEAR IS COMING!...
Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had severalhundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
She could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report byjust listening to the bells.
Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning, she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all. When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch that she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize", they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
Farm and Garden Department...
With all the rain we've had this fall, most Texans can expect a larger-than-usual arrival of the usual pests, especially mosquitoes. Those suckers will now hang around until New Year's Day.
However, our Farm and Garden Department has been receiving a lot of emails concerning a new pest. The emails are a lot like this one, received from Gertrude Pickett, who says, "We have had a very unusual insect that flies into our yard, and I think it's eating all the lingerie off the clothesline. When I think it's dry and go to get it off the line, it's gone! Do you have any idea what it is?"
Well, Ms. Pickett, we have no doubt that you have been inflicted with the dreaded North Texas Transvestmite. Although similar in appearance, it should not be confused with the California Fruit Fly, which has the mating call, "Hiya Sailor! New in Town?"
The transvestmite will usually disappear if you hang overalls on the clothesline with your lingerie, play some Merle Haggard music really loud, and fire up a pack of Camel cigarettes.
We at the Native Texans Farm and Garden Department are glad to be of assistance.
Don't mess with old men!.. .
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
Actually happened in Walker County, Texas.. .
WALKER COUNTY LAKE CATFISH TOURNAMENT ANGLERS CRYING FOUL AFTER 70 YEAR OLD WOMAN WINS TOURNAMENT WITH A CANE POLE AND A ZIPLOCK BAG FULL OF GRAVY TRAIN
JASPER - Participants in the annual Walker County Lake Catfish Tournament are crying foul tonight after a 70 year old Jasper woman bested the next closest competitor by 12 lbs while using nothing but a cane pole, and Gravy Train dog food for bait.
One competitor with whom we spoke had this to say, "I have the very best catfishing equipment that money can buy, the best boat, the best rods, the best electronics. There ain't no way that old lady beat me with a stick and some dog food, no way. Something smells fishy here, and it ain't my stinkbait."
Others say that it is not unusual for "Ms. Minnie" as she is lovingly called by lake patrons to weigh in her limit at least five days a week.
"Ms. Minnie sure can catch 'em. She always leaves the lake with enough catfish, and shellcrackers to feed five people. Ms. Minnie wouldn't cheat, those men just ain't as good at fishing as they think they are."
Oregon Dept of Fish and Wildlife. .
Oregon ranchers, Larry and Amanda Anderson received a letter by the Oregon Department of Fish & Wildlife asking for permission to survey their land in order to track a nearly endangered species. The letter requested use of the landowners’ creek to document the amphibian life represented, specifically the foothill yellow-legged frog which is noted to have recently declined in population. I love this response.
"Dear Mr. Niemela:
Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.
We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the “Frog Survey License” ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will also need to obtain a “Frog Habitat” parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle). You will also need an “Invasive Species” stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each add’l vehicle) You will also want to register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for non-native plant life prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.
If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your “Creek Habitat” stamp. ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident). Survey units open between 8am and 3pm but you cannot commence survey until 9am and must cease all survey activity by 1pm.
Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2″ diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18″ handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6′ from net frame to bottom of net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wooden handles. After 1pm you can use a net with a 3″ diameter if you purchase the “Frog Net Endorsement” ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident). Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed.
As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our “Premium Survey” units and application is again only $8.00 per application. However, all fees can be waived if you can verify Native Indian Tribal rights and status.
You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of “Frog Surveys and You” comprehensive course on frog identification, safe handling practices, and self-defense strategies for frog attacks. This course is offered online through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.
Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline your access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.
Larry & Amanda Anderson"
Just A Little Humor. .
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb on Facebook?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jackasses.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.
249 to post meme's and gif's.
19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
12 to post F.
8 to ask what F means.
16 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to.
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
7 to ask if the brands of light bulbs used are worth the money.
19 to tell them that if they like the light bulbs, buy them.
5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
5 to post to the page that they will no longer post or are leaving because they cannot handle the $!%cking light bulb controversy.
6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"
22 to ask if there is a flounce in progress.
349 to post flounce memes.
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb.
4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.
1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
THE CABBIE . .
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."
Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more”. He had a memory like a computer. He
remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything-- Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his widow."
Next!! . .
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk
a carton of eggs
a quart of orange juice
a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. can of coffee
a 1 lb. package of bacon
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly"
GREAT TRUTH QUOTES . .
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain
3 Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy
7. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke , Civil Libertarian
8. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)
9. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers
10. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-- P. J. O'Rourke
11. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)
12. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it.
13. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill
14. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain
15. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress
-- Mark Twain
16. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians
-- Edward Langley ,
17. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson
FIVE BEST SENTENCES
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!