The maid decided to asked for a pay raise. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, "Now Maria, why do you want more pay?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first eez that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban deed."
Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I ama better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
A 17 year-old boy was hired to paint a line down the middle of the highway.
A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting.
Bernie turns to Marv and says,"Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too."
Marv smiles and says, "Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?"
Bernie says, "You're going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?"
Marv grins again, "Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me..."
"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife..."Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?"
A 17 year-old boy was hired to paint a line down the middle of the highway.
On the first day, he got off to a good start and he painted a line 7 miles long. The next day, however, he painted a line only 4 miles long. On the third day, he was down to less than a mile.
Finally, his boss asked him why he was doing less each day. The boy replied, "I guess it takes me longer and longer to get back to the paint bucket each day."
Peter is having trouble...
Peter was having trouble in school. His teacher was always yelling at him,
"You're driving me crazy, Peter. Can't you learn anything?
One day Peter’s mother came to school to see how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her entire teaching career. Peter’s mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease. Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation,
which was remarkably successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died.
The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw Peter, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.
If you thought that Peter had become a heart-surgeon, there is a good chance you watch too many Hallmark Channel movies …
One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman."Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman."Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell.
When the doors opened, much to her surprise, the woman found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her old friends -- including lawyers that she had worked with who had passed away -- and they were all dressed in tuxedos and evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and greeted her warmly, and they talked about old times. After an excellent round of golf, and at night they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, her day was over and it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator back up to Heaven.
The elevator slowly rose, and eventually opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. It was very soothing and peaceful, and she had a great time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were up.
St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
St. Peter escorted the woman back to the elevator and again she descended to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in filth. Her friends were burning in towers of flame, as demons prodded them with pitchforks. The Devil came up to her and welcomed her back.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are miserable."The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're an associate."
Boudreaux is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses other than his family to be present, and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, "Tee-Boud, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.
My daughter "Joleene, you take the apartments over in the east end.
My son, "Hebert, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center.
Marie, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Boudreaux slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Boudreaux, your husband must have been a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Marie replies, "Property ?? .... the sorry son of a gun had a newspaper route!"
Forest Fire Photos...
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of an enormous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
He's watching you...
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot."
Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?"
The burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler "Jesus"!
Special of the week...
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks "What did you do?".
The woman says "I Committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Just once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
Did you see that??...
Two guys are out hunting deer...The first guy says, "Did you see that?...pointing to the sky.""No," the second guy says."Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!" the first guy says."Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, "Did you see that?""See what?" the second guy asks."Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!""Yah, OK", says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"This time pointing behind them.By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, "Yah, I SAW IT!"And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
Walmart installed a medical kiosk, for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks"
Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep playing with yourself, your tennis elbow won't get better!
"Thank you for shopping at Walmart"
An elderly couple...
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says: "We've got to give it back".
She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money show up at their home.
One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says: "No"..
The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the policemen sit the man down & begin to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
At this, the policeman looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".
Jose says, .... "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos' sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."
Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"
Jose shows Carlos his sign......
It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico
Three little boys...
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then he said, "You are now baptized!"
When they got outside, one of them asked,
"'What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick , because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis , because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss , because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'
"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"
Ya just can't explain some things...
The old farmer came into the bar and ordered a beer.
A few minutes later he ordered another .... and another.
The bartender said, "Hey Big fella'. You look like you got problems. Wanna talk about it?
''Dey's jest SOME things you can't explain," the farmer said.
"Aw c'mon. I'm a bartender. I've heard it all. Tell me."
"Well OK, it was like this.....”
"I went out to the barn this morning to milk Old Bessie.
I sit the stool down, put the bucket in place and starting pulling.
That damn cow kicked it with her right foot and spilt the milk". I started again.
"I started again. This time that damn cow kicked it with her left foot".
That pissed me off so I got me some rope and tied her spraddle-legged to each side of the stall.
She weren't gonna do THAT no more
"But, she swatted that bucket with her tail spilling the milk again.
I was out of rope.
So, I took off my belt and looped it around her tail."
The bartender was fascinated. "THEN, what happened?
"Well, I was standing up dere on the stool behind her trying to tie the belt to the rafter with my shoelaces."
"My pants fell down about the time my wife walked in with the preacher and the Sunday School Class she had invited over to Sunday dinner."
The bartender said: "You're right. I'll buy you a beer.
'Dey's jest SOME things you can't explain"
Volunteer fire department...
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
Bubba And Bo...
Bubba and Bo, two good ol boys, were sitting on the front porch when a big truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod drove by.
“I’m gonna do that when I win the lottery” said Bubba.
“Do what” asked Bo.
“Send my grass out to be mowed” answered Bubba.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.
Janie, do you have a story to share?
Yes ma’am. My Daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
“Good Heavens” said the horrified teacher.
“What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”
“Stay away from Mommy when she’s been drinking”
FIRST DAY AT THE SENIOR COMPLEX...
Some guys will never learn..
On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass!!!!
I JUST discovered my age group! I am a Seenager (Senior teenager).
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 55-60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store. I like the wine store best.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren't scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared?
And I don't have acne....
Life is Good!
Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager.
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.
People do not decline mentally with age; it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains.
Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.
Older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem; it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
So please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too.
A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.
Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?
This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, Are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends?
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
The New Truck...
I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday Abilene, Texas for a look at the new 2019 F-150..
Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before I get too old.
The salesperson (a nice looking lady wearing a 'RESIST' lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat
next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.
The seats were of particular interest. She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a Republican truck
I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round!
I had to walk back to the dealership but it was worth it
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half of the picture.
He is really worried when he realizes that he has sent the wrong half. But then he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:
"Thank you for the picture. You should change your hair style... it makes your nose look too short."
Three women walk in a pet shop.
Suddenly the parrot yells out, "Yellow, pink, blue."
The first lady says, "That's funny, I'm wearing yellow underwear."
The second lady says "well I'm wearing pink."
The third lady says "No way, I'm wearing blue."
To test the parrot, the next day, all of them wore white and the parrot shouted, "white ! white ! white!"
The three women are amazed.
The final test was the third day, just as they walk in the parrot yelled "Bald, curly and straight!"
They never went there again!!
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."
The official just stared.
The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"
The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.
The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"
The new bull...
A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”
“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.
The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”
“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.
“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES, BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS: "IT WORKS FOR KETCHUP!
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go screw herself."
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."
A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon.
When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15.
This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.
The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three. These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.
One germ said, "I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don't think the antibiotics will find me there".
A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don't think they'll find me there."
The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"
The "Buffalo Theory" of Beer..
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
Best Salesman In The World...
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
“We don’t need any one,” they replied.
“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime.”
“We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job.”
He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for an $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
“How in the world did you do that,” they asked.
“I told you I’m the world’s best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime.”
“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”
He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Brown’s and this one is Mr. Smith’s.”
“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”
“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!”
A Texan dies...
A Texan dies and goes to heaven. Since he was a good man, Saint Peter decides to give him a tour and meets him at the gate. " I will give you a tour of Heaven" says Peter.
He takes him to the edge of the clouds where he sees a beautiful scene of a mountain range.
" Isn't that the most beautiful sight you have ever seen?"
" Well, to be honest, there is a spot in the Davis mountains that is purdier that that "
" Okay, let's go over there" says Peter.
He shows him a tropical beach and ask " Isn't that the most beautiful sight you have ever seen?"
The Texan says " Well there is a spot near Padre Island that beats that "
This goes on and the Texan always has something in Texas that beats what Peter shows him.
Peter finally takes him to the edge of a cloud and points at the fires of hell burning below then. " Well, have you seen anything like that in Texas?"
" Nope" says the Texan. " But I do know a guy down in Houston that could put that out fer you".
An Indian walks into a cafe
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.”
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for a position in United States Senate. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”
A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over 5 million dollars. I keep my trophies in the barn."
The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.
"Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer. "Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you 10,000 dollars for the horse."
Recognizing a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."
While he wrote out his check, the salesman asked, "By the way, why wouldn't I want your horse?" "Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his life."
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops. The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there." "He's not really all that smart," the owner replied. "This is the second time this week he forgot his key."
Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
How the tradition started!
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Blame it on....
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!
At this time of year I look back, fondly, on the Christmases of my childhood. They were always pleasant affairs, although we had a few rough places we had to navigate. Take, for instance, my great-uncle Abernathy. He was our town's answer to Scrooge himself. In fact, the man once inquired at the local hardware store (and gun shop) to find if reindeer were covered under the Whitetail Deer hunting license. He even installed a parking meter on his roof at Christmas time.
One year, our church had a new minister, The Right Reverend Fensterwald. My mother, bless her heart, invited the reverend to our house for Christmas dinner.
I wasn't overly concerned about it. I promised the parents I'd be on my best behavior, and so on. I figured I could survive a few hours of good behavior in exchange for good eats. I was seven at the time, so it would be difficult. Everyone, the brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and even Mom and Dad took bets on how I'd do.
Things went okay, then we sat down for dinner. Dad looked at me and said, "Rusty, show the reverend how good you are at saying Grace."
I didn't see that coming. Not at all. I took a deep breath, and began.
"Dear God, thank you for Mommy, Daddy, the brothers, the sisters, and those we're not sure how to categorize, the aunts, the uncles, the grandparents, and the food. Thank You for the turkey, the dressing, the cranberry sauce, the pumpkin and pecan pies, the mashed potatoes, and......."
I paused, and everyone waited...and waited...and waited some more. I finally looked at the Reverend, and asked, "Yo, Preach! If I thank God for the d****d Brussel Sprouts, ain't he gonna know I'm a lying son-of-a-gun?"
And then it rained…..
Why I Can't Come to Work Today...
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. Can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday(right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log (pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Walmart.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some sort of attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Cowboys, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
Did you know??
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the tenth floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."
1st Man: "No it’s true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the tenth floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the tenth-floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I’ll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the tenth-floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I’ll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the eleventh, tenth, ninth, eighth floors...and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk."
Ol' Ab works for a small ranch up north of Greenville and he's pretty tight with his money. It's been said that he won't part with a dollar bill until he has the serial number memorized.
He said he'd gone into Greenville one day last week to visit the local saddlers shop, and he asked for one spur.
"One spur?" asked the saddler. "Surely you mean a pair of spurs, sir?"
"No, just one," replied Ol' Ab, "If I can get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to come with it!"
The History of Toilet Paper
I always try and send stimulating informative information to help you broaden your knowledge of the world.
I know that you have always been curious, so now you’ll know.
1. The first recorded use of toilet paper was in 6th Century China.
2. By the 14th Century, the Chinese government was mass-producing it.
3.. Packaged toilet paper wasn't sold in the United States until 1857.
4. Joseph Gayety, the man who introduced packaged TP to the U.S. had his name printed on every sheet.
5. Global toilet paper demand uses nearly 30,000 trees every day
6. That's 10 million trees a year
7. It wasn't until 1935 that a manufacturer was able to promise Splinter-Free Toilet Paper.
8. Seven percent of Americans admit to stealing rolls of toilet paper in hotels.
9. Americans use an average of 8.6 sheets of toilet paper per trip to the bathroom
10. The average roll has 333 sheets.
11. Historically, what you use to wipe depended on your income level.
12. In the middle ages they used something called a gompf stick which was just an actual stick used to scrape.
13. Wealthy Romans used wool soaked in rose water and French royalty used lace.
14. Other things that were used before toilet paper include: Hay, corn cobs, sticks, stones, sand, moss, hemp, wool, husks, fruit peels, ferns, sponges, seashells, knotted ropes, and broken pottery (ouch!).
15. 70-75% of the world still doesn't use toilet paper because it is too expensive or there is not sufficient plumbing.
16. In many Western European countries, bidets are seen as more effective and preferable to toilet paper.
17. Colored toilet paper was popular in the U.S. until the 1940s.
18. The reason toilet paper disintegrates so quickly when wet is that the fibers used to make it are very short.
19. On the International Space Station, they still use regular toilet paper but it has to be sealed in special containers and Compressed
20. During Desert Storm, the U.S. Army used toilet paper to camouflage their tanks.
21. In 1973 Johnny Carson caused a toilet paper shortage. He said as a joke that there was a shortage, which there wasn't, until everyone believed him and ran out to buy up the supply. It took three weeks for some stores to get more stock.
22. There is a contest sponsored by Charmin to design and make wedding dresses out of toilet paper. The winner gets $2,000.
23.. There was a toilet paper museum in Wisconsin, The Madison Museum of Bathroom Tissue, but it closed in 2000.
24. The museum once had over 3,000 rolls of TP from places all over the world, including The Guggenheim, Ellis Island, and Graceland.
25. There is still a virtual toilet paper museum called Nobody's Perfect.
26. In 1996, President Clinton passed a Toilet Paper Tax of 6 cents per roll, which is still in effect today. Obama tried to triple that but the House wouldn't pass it.
27. The Pentagon uses, on average, 666 rolls of toilet paper per day.
28. The most expensive toilet paper in the world is from Portuguese brand Renova..
29. Renova is three-ply, perfumed, costs $3 per roll and comes in several colors including black, red, blue and green.
30. The CEO of Renova came up with the idea for black toilet paper while he was at a Cirque du Soleil show.
31. Beyonce uses only red Renova toilet paper.
32. Kris Jenner uses only the black Renova toilet paper.
33. If you hang your toilet paper so you can pull it from the bottom, you're considered more intelligent than someone who pulls it from the top. (Wonder how this was determined?) But remember when there was printing on the TP and it showed when it was pulled from the top.
34. Koji Suzuki, a Japanese horror novelist best known for writing The Ring, had an entire novel printed on a single roll of toilet paper.
35. The novel takes place in a public bathroom and the entire story runs approximately three feet long.
36. When asked what necessity they would bring to a desert island, 49% of people said toilet paper before food.
37. Queen Elizabeth II wipes her royal bottom with silk handkerchiefs. Wonder if the royal chambermaid gets to wash those?? Yeacht sure wouldn't want that job!
38. Muslims wipe their bums with their bare hand--- always the left hand . They eat with their right hand. If you are caught shop lifting, your right hand is cut off forcing you to eat with your poopy left hand. Yeeeechdt
This history was sent to you using my right hand!!
My Grandfather told me when I was a young man that the world was getting really screwed up: We used to cook inside and shit outside Now we cook outside and shit inside. Who would have thought
Blonde wins a prize!
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
"W I N A B A G E L"
The gravy ladle
John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was. She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious. She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye. Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."
A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can't seem to find it. You don't think she would have taken it, do you?" "I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.
John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter: "Dear Mom, While I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'didn't' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son."
Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read: "Dear John, While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying you 'don't' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom."
Secret to a long life!
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. He said, “You have to sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal every morning. If you do you’ll live to be a ripe old age.”
So the young man did this religiously every day. Sure enough he lived to the ripe old age of 106! When he died he left 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren and a 16 foot hole in the crematorium!
Squirrels In Church.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer
and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrel's and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, he doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."
"Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse.
Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs."
"Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."
Husband and Wife conversation
There are several cowmen sitting around in the sale barn waiting for the lightweight calves to run through. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the cowboys picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the sale barn?"
H - "Yep."
W - "Great! I am at the mall a couple of miles from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,900.00."
H - "Well, OK, I guess go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2018 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H-"What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $110,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, the horse barn, the vineyard, and the fifty acre lake."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $2.5 million - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $2.3 million. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love u too..."
The cowboy hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
He Said, She Said
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you have succeeded.
He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man? She said...No, have you?
He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains? She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
5 story hotel
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads:
"For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there.
It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Adam and Eve
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?' " So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"
Have a party
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Glen, in bed with another woman.
"That's it!" she shouted, "I'm leaving and I'm not coming back!"
"Wait honey," Glen pleaded, "Can't you at least let me explain?"
"Fine, let's hear your story," Donna replied.
"Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing," explained Glen. "I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey you had in the refrigerator but didn't serve to me." "Then," Glen continued, "I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was walking down the step, she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?
40 years of marriage
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?" shouts the doctor.
"Getting a second opinion!"
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and
obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just
leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the
pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to
prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her
breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God
and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as
long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said
in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought
we had a deal." The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and
whispered: "She made me a better offer."
It was a quiet night at the Grinnin' Dog until Hooks Bradford walked in. He's always aspired to become a pro golfer but the three-digit golf scores kept him off the tour, although he did announce tonight that, through hard work and practice, he's gotten his scores down to the low dammits. He then bought drinks for the house.
I remember one day, after a particularly poor game of golf, Hooks skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," Hooks responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
Hooks thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash.
The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed: "Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you." "When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.
"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?" "Oh that, " his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her class what their mothers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, So when the teacher gently prodded him about his mother, He replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a club and takes off all her clothes in front of men, and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this bold statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to quietly ask him, "Is that really true about your mother, dear?"
Nope," the boy said, "She worked for the Democratic National Committee and was helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Really Good Deed
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?" "Er.. about two minutes ago."
AMEN The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE Holy Smoke!
JUSTICE When kids have kids of their own.
PEW A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
RECESSIONAL The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
You know you are in a Texas church when….
People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.
The restrooms are outside.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
When it rains, everyone is smiling.
Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.
The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".
The pastor wears boots.
Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
Baptism is referred to as "branding".
There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.
People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.
The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"
Top twenty things to do at a drive thru
Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.
Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
Ask how they fit into that little box.
If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?"
When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can't I take yours?"
If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
People of TV never finish their drinks.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
The chief of police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
All single women have a cat.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. Having a job o
f any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Signs You're Really Broke
American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.
Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.
Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.
You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
You receive care packages from Europe.
Your bologna has no first name.
You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.
McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No."
The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets
Things Adults Learn From Kids:
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh" it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB+J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
Things you don't want to hear during surgery
Things you don't want to hear during surgery
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
Oh no! Where's my Rolex?
Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again?
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing off my concentration.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
OK, now take a picture from this angle.
This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver slowly answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink. Dat vould not be proper."
The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell..... M'am, I am looking, and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
You Are No Longer "Cool" When:
You find yourself listening to talk radio.
You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
When jogging is something you do to your memory.
Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
You actually ASK for your father's advice.
You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
Spent two hours at the Grinnin' Dog last night. Nights like that remind me why Dad always said the state line welcomes should be "Welcome to Texas. Beware of the Bull".
We were complaining about the weather, when Bolivar McBride, Former High Sheriff and now 275 pounds of shaky puddin', wandered in.
He reminded us that only in Texas do extended droughts end with Flash Flood warnings. He then remembered a long-ago TV weather report that went something like, "Tomorrow will be Sunny and 75 degrees with Freezing Rain and a Foot of Snow followed by Record Heat with Icing Conditions and The Dreaded Wintry Mix with a 95% Chance that Your Guess is as Good as Mine."
He also told us about the time, 20 or so years ago, that he was working as a young deputy out in West Texas, and found a cowboy who had nearly frozen to death after passing out from heat stroke and falling off his horse two hours earlier.
...And then it rained... No, really, it rained buckets. The Coast Guard was running DWI checks along the highway...They fired a warning shot across the hood of my truck...
An Arab Sheik was admitted to the Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.
Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.
A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a further corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood.
After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him:
"I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?"
To this the Arab replied:
"Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins."
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