At a well-known, and well thought of nursing home in San Antonio, a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."
Let's Play Golf
In Dallas for a meeting, a young man, who was an avid golfer, found himself with a couple of hours at his disposal.
He quickly came to the conclusion that if he hurried and played very fast, he could squeeze in nine holes on the fairways before he had to attend a business dinner.
He found himself at Cedar Crest Golf Course, and just as he was about to tee off, an old-timer hobbled over and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not able to refuse the request, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise, the man played reasonably well. He didn’t hit the ball far, but he puttered along steadily and didn’t waste time.
They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot.
There was a large oak tree right in front of him, directly between his ball and the green. He considered how to take the shot for a good long while.
Then the young man heard the old man mutter, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, from where it thudded back on the ground, not an inch from where it had been originally.
The old man offered one more comment: “Of course, when I was your age, that oak tree was only three feet tall.”
There are two statues standing in the woods.
They have been there standing on their pedestals for 500 years. A girl statue and a boy statue.
Finally one day the Good Fairy came down. You have been here for five centuries, naked just looking at one another.
Now, the Good Fairy said to the statues, you have five full seconds to jump down off your pedestals and run out there in the bushes and do whatever it is that you would like to do.
The girl statue and the boy statue jumped down, ran into the bushes, came back out brushing the leaves out of their hair and jumped back upon their pedestals.
The Good Fairy said, "you used three seconds, you have two more seconds to finish what you were doing."
The boy statue looked at the girl statue and said, "this time you hold the pigeon and I'll poop on its head!"
Board Of Directors
All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.
Finally it was his turn to be summoned.
Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.
Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.
The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked: "Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?" "Oh, no, sir, positively not...!" Ted replied. "Are you absolutely sure...?" asked the chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her...!"
"You'd swear to that...?" "Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere…" insisted Ted.
"Good, then YOU fire her."
Go Get Her!
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a Abilene cafe, four elderly Texas ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to San Antonio. For our 50th, I'm thinking 'bout going down there again to pick her up."
So That Why
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
In Church on Sunday morning, The preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said..."If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" Then he talked some more and a little while later he said...."If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15 minutes later when he said..."If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" Then he talked for a few more minutes and sat down. Then, the choir director stood up and with a sheepish smile on her face she said: "now will the congregation please stand and join us in singing hymn number 134, SHALL WE GATHER AT THE RIVER!
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
Where are his taxes??
During a recent press conference, a reporter with MSNBC hollered from the press corps...
"Where is President Trump hiding his tax returns?"
Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, astutely responded...
"We've found a very secure place and I'm certain they won't be found."
"And just where is that?" said the reporter sarcastically.
Mrs. Sanders grinned sardonically and said...
"They are underneath Obama's college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration."
Texan joining a church
An old Texan went to the local church and asked to join.
The preacher said,
'OK, but you have to pass a small Bible test first.'
The first Question is 'Where was Jesus born?'
The man answered ,' Longview.'
The preacher said. 'Sorry...you can't join our church.'
he went to another church and asked to join.
The preacher said, 'We would love to have you, but you
have to pass a Bible test first.
Where was Jesus born?' The man said. ' Tyler .'
The preacher said, 'Sorry...you can't join our church.'
Soooo.... he goes to another church and asks to join.
The preachers said, 'That's great; we welcome you with open arms.'
The man said, 'I don't have to pass no Bible test first?'
The preacher said, 'No.'
The man said, 'Can I ask you a question?'
The preacher said, 'Sure.'
The man said, 'Where was Jesus born?'
Thepreacher said,' Palestine .'
The man mumbled to himself, 'I knew it was in East Texas somewhere.
Texan rules to live by
1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.
2. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs ain’t one.
3. The man at the grill is the closest thing we have to a king.
4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.
5. Act like you’ve been there before. Especially in the end zone.
6. Request the late check-out.
7. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.
8. Hold your heroes to a higher standard.
9. Return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas.
10. Don’t fill up on bread.
11. When shaking hands, grip firmly and look them in the eye.
12. Don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be.
13. If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point.
14. Carry two handkerchiefs. The one in your back pocket is for you. The one in your breast pocket is for her.
15. You marry the girl - you marry her whole family.
16. Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like crazy underneath.
17. Experience the serenity of traveling alone.
18. Never be afraid to ask out the best-looking girl in the room.
19. Never turn down a breath mint.
20. In a game of HORSE, sometimes a simple free throw will get ’em.
21. A sport coat is worth 1000 words.
22. Try writing your own eulogy. Never stop revising.
23. Thank a veteran. And then make it up to him.
24. If you want to know what makes you unique, sit for a caricature.
25. Eat lunch with the new kid.
26. After writing an angry email, read it carefully. Then delete it.
27. Ask your mom to play. She won’t let you win.
28. See it on the big screen.
29. Give credit. Take the blame.
30. Write down your dreams.
Laws Of Work
The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
The Deer Camp
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.
Ham Radio Joke
An avid Ham radio Contester and DX hunter, Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.
One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his equipment ready for an upcoming contest.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting DX, shooting skip, hand tuning your radios, and talking to other hams. Maybe you should sell your radios and antennas".
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says "Darling, what's wrong?"
"You were beginning to sound like my ex-wife".
"Ex-wife!" she screams "I didn't know you were married before!"
He replied "I wasn't..."
My Top-10 Favorite Willie Quotes
10) "I believe in looseness."
9) "Three chords and the truth --- that's what a country song is."
8) "I'm from Texas, and one of the reasons I like Texas is because there's no one in control."
7) "As adults we try to relax from the never-ending quest for reason and order by drinking a little whiskey or smoking whatever works for us, but the wisdom isn't in the whiskey or the smoke. The wisdom is in the moments when the madness slips away and we remember the basics.”
6) “All I do is play music and golf -- which one do you want me to give up?” ---- Willie's response when asked why he doesn't retire
5) "We create our own unhappiness. The purpose of suffering is to help us understand that we are the ones who cause it."
4) "Par is whatever I say it is. I've got one hole that's a par 23 and yesterday I damn near birdied the sucker.” ---- Willie talking about the benefits of owning his own golf course
3) "You know why divorces are so expensive? They're worth it."
2) “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
1) “Ninety-nine percent of the world's lovers are not with their first choice, and that's what makes the jukebox play.
A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim
A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory”.
"One day while fishing," started the Christian," I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him”.
"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew," I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 meters all around me, it was Tuesday...”
You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this...
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1958 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on he beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
"Have fun, kids", the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"The TWIST, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother.
"THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!"
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.
He grew up big, 6' 4", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang.
He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a group of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.
We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said,
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
Going To Mars
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
My cousin, has been working the past couple of years at a cemetery, helping maintain the place, working security some nights, even carving a grave marker now and then. We're real proud of him, especially since he's never been known as the sharpest crayon in the box.
On Halloween, he stays overnight to make sure that no vandalism occurs on the grounds. He swears that last year he witnessed a Singles Party for Vampires. Claimed their favorite pickup line is "What's your blood type?"
He says it's quiet, and he usually just kicks back and enjoys a glass of wine and enjoys the peaceful surroundings.
Well, this morning he calls me, and he's all excited. Says I won't believe what happened. It was incredible, and I'll never believe it.
I finally managed to get him quiet for a minute and asked, " just for the tally books, what the hell happened?"
He took a deep breath. "I was walking the grounds last night when I heard a tapping noise coming from a group of tombstones. I walked over to see what was going on, and it got louder. I'll tell you, right now, that I was gettin' kinda scared, when I rounded a corner, and saw an old man, with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones!"
I nodded, suspecting maybe he had more than one glass of wine. "So, did you or this guy say anything?"
Ab went on. "Yeah, he turned and saw me, and I said 'My God, Man! You scared me half to death! I thought you were a ghost! Why are you chipping on that stone? I just carved it last week!' "
The old man grumbled. "Well, Einstein, you misspelled my name and I have to correct it!"
TWO TREES AND A WOODPECKER
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.
There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back. "He goes into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs." The Father says, "You need to say 40 Hail Mary’s, and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish. "The confessor replies, "Yes Father, they were. "The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women. The man said, "Father, I don't kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions. "The priest responded, "Well, was one of them Mrs. O'Reilly? "The man replied, "No Father, and I wouldn't say anyway. I've told you that! "The priest says, "Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown? "Exasperated the man said, "No Father, and I told you I'm not telling you the names of the women!!!"The priest said, "Well then I'm going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months! The man said. "OK, fine." and left. As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, "So, how did it go? "The confessor said, "Great! 6 months off, and two leads!"
Ugly folks from Nebraska
A bus full of ugly people from Nebraska had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line, a Texan, was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last of the ten people, the Texan was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father, a brilliant, Texas born lad himself said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, an Oklahoma born and raised child, and asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:--
Responsibility makes me nervous.—They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.--I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:--Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.—
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.—
I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:--Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
PERSONAL INTERESTS:--Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:--Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.—
Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.—
Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.—
I'm a rabid typist.—
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters, although it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad. for if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother to the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild. For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
This must be the new math we heard was coming back
A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his 3 sons.
When his sons opened up the Will it read:
My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses;
My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;
My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.
As it's impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9,
The three sons started to fight with each other.
So, they decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered quite
smart, to see if he could work it out for them.
The farmer friend read the Will patiently, and after giving due thought.
He brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17.
That increased the total to 18 horses.
Now, he divided the horses according to their father's will.
Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.
Now add up how many horses they have:
Eldest son 9
Middle son 6
Youngest son 2
TOTAL = 17
Now this leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm.....
(Scratch your head over how that was accomplished .... and let me know)
Watch Out !....
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
When I was in school, the World Series was important enough that we occasionally got to listen to it in class. In junior and senior high, we might get updates on the score. In the spring, many classes were filled with discussions about The Great Game.
So one glorious day, a discussion was held at the old elementary school and the subject was baseball.
"I am a Yankees fan," the first-grade teacher announced to her class. "Who likes the Yankees?"
Everyone raised a hand except my cousin. The teacher said, surprised. "Why didn’t you raise your hand?"
"I'm not a Yankees fan."
"Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then what team do you like?"
"The Astros," replied Athens.
"Why in the world are you an Astros fan?"
"Because my mom and dad are Astros fans."
"That's no reason to be an Astros fan," the teacher replied, annoyed. "You don't always have to be just like your parents. What if your mom and dad were morons? What would you be then?"
"A Yankees fan."
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.
What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'
Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'
Bartender: 'Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...'
Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?'
Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye.'
Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird crap?'
Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook
Hello…is this Gordon’s Pizza?
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
Do you want your usual, sir?
My usual? You know me?
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.
OK! That’s what I want …
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?
What? I detest vegetables.
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
How the hell do you know?
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Okay, but I don't want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol..
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug sale Network, 4 months ago.
I bought more from another drugstore.
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
I paid in cash.
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
I have other sources of cash..
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
WHAT THE HELL?
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, What’s App and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch or spy on me..
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car followed by a large cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him". "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young' pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention!!
Don't Step On The Ducks
Three golfing buddies died in an auto accident and went to heaven. Upon arrival, they noticed the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter told them they were welcome to play the course, but he cautioned them with one rule: “Don’t step on the ducks.”
The men had blank expressions on their faces, and finally one of them said, “The ducks?” “Yes,” St. Peter Said. “There are millions of ducks walking around the golf course, and when one of them is stepped on, he squawks, and then the one next to him squawks, and soon they’re all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you’ll be punished.”
The men start playing the course, and within 15 minutes, one of the guys stepped on a duck. The duck squawked, and soon there was a deafening roar of ducks quacking. St. Peter appeared with an extremely homely woman and asked, “Who stepped on a duck?” “I did,” admitted one of the men. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man to the homely woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” he said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The two other men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes, St. Peter walked up with a woman who was even uglier than the other one. He determined who stepped on the duck by seeing the fear in the man’s face, and he cuffed him to the woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” St. Peter said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of nudging a duck. After three months of this, he still hadn’t stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man and had with him the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled and without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said, “What have I done to deserve this?” The woman replied: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?". "One," said the young salesman. "Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"
Four major executives from various countries are playing golf together. On the second tee they hear a phone ring.
The Canadian executive reaches into his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. "O.K. buy 100 shares," the Canadian tells the other person on the phone. Then he looks at the others and says, "I'm such an important person, that I have to make sure my employees can reach me at any time. Therefore I carry a cell phone everywhere."
On the next tee, they hear the sound of another phone. All of a sudden, the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to his hear and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others, "I'm so important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way, I don't have to worry about carrying a cellular telephone."
The people are very impressed and move on down the fairway.
On the green, they hear another phone ring. The German stands up tall and says, "O.K., sell the company now." Then he loosens up and tells the others, "I'm so important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up straight to get the signal." Everybody is really impressed and they continue playing.
At the next tee they hear another phone.
All of a sudden, the Japanese executive runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they go into the bushes to find him. They find him with his pants around his knees, squatting. "Oh, we're sorry," the American exclaims, somewhat embarrassed, "we'll leave you alone." "That's O.K.", the Japanese executive says, "I'm just waiting for a fax!"
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy replied "Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?" The guy burst out laughing and said you can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!
The English Language
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't grocer and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?
Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?
And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
The Grinnin Dog Saloon
It's been an eventful week at the Grinnin' Dog. That's what happens when you have a bartender named Bolivar McBride, who has been described as 350 pounds of Shaky Puddin'. He was the sheriff back home but got voted out of office. No, I don't know why, but I supsect something in the term "High Sheriff" had something to do with it.
On Monday night, during the football game, a drunk walked into the bar and said to Ol' Bolivar, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.'
So, Bolivar did just that and handed the man a bill for $57.00.
The drunk said, "I haven't got it."
So Bolivar slapped the guy around for a half hour or so, then threw him out into the street. The poor guy bounced off three cars, setting off the alarms. It sounded like a pinball machine out there.
Then, last night, the same drunk walked into the bar and once again, saying to Bolivar, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
Ol' Bolivar looked at the guy, then figured to himself that the drunk can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so, giving him the benefit of the doubt, poured a round of drinks for the house, one for himself, and presented the drunk a bill for $67.00.
The drunk said, "I haven't got it."
Bolivar couldn't believe it. He picked the guy up, beat on him for a half hour or so, and, again, threw him out into the street.
Then, tonight, the drunk returned and, once again, said "Barkeep, buy everyone in the house a drink, give me the bill."
In disgust, Bolivar said, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replied, "You? Oh HELL no! You get too violent when you drink!"
10/04/2017 - The Goat
Two West Virginia rednecks were out hunting, and as they were walking along, they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size.
The first hunter said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter said, "I don't know. Let's throw something down there, listen, and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter said, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."
So they picked up the transmission, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.
They were standing there looking over the edge of the hole and listening when they heard a rustling behind them. As they turned around, they saw a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole, and, without hesitation, jump in head first.
While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say there," said the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission."
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned. "The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would." Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely! "The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of prostitutes."
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?” The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
Some Words of Wisdom...
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
Few women admit their age and few men act theirs.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
LOVE: Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Forget about world peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else
Pinhead Beatty and why he is named Pinhead.
He was recently out on a job hunt, and had one interview that was promising until Pinhead had to open his mouth to answer questions. He was good until that point. He had the background, qualifications, and experience that the company wanted. He was looking more and more like a candidate for sainthood.
Then came the question that killed it all.
The interviewer asked, "Why did you leave your last job?"
Pinhead answered, "The company relocated, and didn't tell me where."
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an jerk all day long.
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out. "But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me!'"
A guy is golfing with his pretty wife, who is a very poor golfer. On the first hole she sends the ball smashing through the window of a nearby house. The couple goes to the house to investigate the damage and finds the door open. They go inside and found a man sitting on a couch next to the broken window. There is also a broken oil-lamp. The husband asks: "Did we break that too?" "Yes", replies the man. "Sorry. Do you live here?" the husband asks. "No, actually, I'm a genie." The man states. "I was sleeping in that lamp when your golf ball smashed it. Now, I'm supposed to give you three wishes, but I'm keeping one for myself since you smashed my lamp. OK, what'll they be?" The husband thinks a moment: "First, make my wife a better golfer." "Poof! She's a better golfer", the genie announces. "Second, I want a million bucks a week for life." "Poof! you get a million bucks a week", the genie announces. "Good. OK, what do you want?" asks the husband. "For my wish. I want to have my way with your pretty wife," grins the genie. "Hmmm", the husband hesitated, "I guess that's all right. After all, she broke your lamp, you've made us rich, and our golf games will be much more interesting. Go ahead. "So the genie and the wife retire the bedroom. After several steamy hours the "genie" says to the wife: "How long have you known your husband?" "Ten years," she replies. "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it!"
Here you will find a little humor provided by Rusty - WE5TXS
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